Why Didn’t I Do This Sooner? [Prose]

May 16, 2018

A textured painting of what resembles the sky and the ground.

For most of us, change does not come easily, and ultimately we only make real changes because we confront the reality that we HAVE to make them. Illness can often then, in an important way, be a “gift”, that helps us make needed changes.

When we do not want to pursue an inner process of change any further, we can put up what Caroline Myss calls a “firewall”, closing ourselves off from change.

A textured painting of what resembles the sky and the ground.

“Manifesto” by Valeria Gorgatti

There are a thousand ways to do this, and a thousand ways to hide it, even from yourself.

It isn’t even necessarily a negative thing.

Healing always involves a struggle.

And it always involves a shift in relationships.

It can be a tough decision whether or not that struggle is worth the money, time and effort needed to regain greater health, particularly if it can mean undermining relationships you draw upon for support.

Only you can make this decision.

There is no absolute wrong or right. There is what you need to do now to take care of yourself.

Now is always changing.

If we can nurture consciousness of who we are at every given moment, we can be more conscious of how our actions are serving us versus destroying us.

This is hard to do.

We all struggle with addiction, or repetitive behavior patterns that don’t serve us, in some form. We all carry a “double” in us that keeps us under the influence of our more primal fears and desires, until we learn how to integrate and transcend these.

Each of us is different in how this plays out. It is not just about “being educated”. For all of us, it requires a good deal of courage to confront ourselves and make these changes. “Education”, and even the success that can come with it, can sometimes be the very thing that gets in our way.

A physician or therapist can serve as a witness, a support figure, and an ego force to help you identify your obstacles and work through them.

Ultimately it is you who will do the healing, and you will do it when you are ready.

When you do it, you may find yourself saying:

“I had the power to do this all along.

Why didn’t I do this sooner?”


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