I’ve got some dark secrets to share with you.

March 26, 2019

Dear Reader, I’ve got some dark secrets to share with you.

Have you been truthful about your life? Have you lived a cupboard life full of secrets nobody knows of? How open and honest are you to people about how your life is? How vulnerable have you been towards others? How many different masks do you wear each day?

My eyes were opened when I realized most family and friends do not know anything about my “perfect” life. I am an actor playing out a certain Utopian script I wrote for myself that I feel is acceptable to share to others, the rest is covered, deep down where no one can even have a peek. We all know a dull movie without emotion, love, action and drama is boring. Why am I so afraid then to be fully exposed and live my life truthfully without hiding any piece of me from others? Why don’t I want to be vulnerable?

This question created a big flow of stormy emotions that were hidden very deep inside of me. Why don’t I want others to see me as not perfect, as just another fragile human, as a hurt being, as a scared woman, as a person feeling not good enough?

I am only lying to myself, hiding myself from myself, because the truth is, what do people really care about me? Would I really lose my best friends when I am honest about struggling with fear? Will I really lose my close family if they know my marriage is falling apart? I have learned that certain emotions and behaviors are not acceptable to portray it shows me as weak and not powerful, shows me as vulnerable and not strong. But mostly it shows that I am full of pride, not needing to be open and honest, not needing others, I can do this alone!

I say this fake life ends today! Today, I will share my inner secrets with you, feeling bare, afraid and ashamed;

I am fearful- I hate flying because of the fear of the plane crashing.

I am weak- I cannot carry heavy things, I feel I can not carry all my burdens alone.

I am looking for attention- Doing things so others notice me like pulling crazy faces 😊

I am angry- Why do I have to endure these painful relationships in my life, it makes me so angry?

I am sad- Harsh words created a wound in my heart and I have protected that wound leaving me sad.

I am bitter- Why can’t I have just a stable, normal life with these issues pestering me?

I am lost- Some days I have the answer to everything and other days I feel so lost and helpless.

I am ashamed- Ashamed of who I am, what I have become, what I allowed in my life.

I am needy- I need love, acceptance, respect and trust.

I am aggressive- I become so angry inside me when I have no control of what others say and do that hurts me.

I am cold- I have closed my heart, there are small cubicles where I have compartmentalized all my emotions.

I am hopeless- I feel hopeless when I can’t see the answer or the solution to this struggle I face.

I am jealous- Jealous of people that makes life look so easy, and I was one of those.

I am lazy- I like doing nothing, reading and just chilling.

I am proud- I struggle to say I am sorry, I was wrong.

I am scared- So scared of my future, of what it will entails. What will happen with my marriage? What about my kids?

I am rebellious- I will stand for my rights, I must be heard. What about me?

I am unhappy- The joy of life was gone, relationships making me unhappy.

I am victimized- Emotional abuse creates a scar that I don’t want to admit.

I am guilty- I am also guilty, I have contributed 100% to all my struggles and problems.

I am worried- I am worried about what others think, I am worried about my children and their future.

I am hurt- I am hurting deep within from years of allowing hurt to be covered.

I am insecure- I don’t have the perfect body, I am not good enough for others.

I am compulsive- I must sanitize my hands after shopping, this is a big must!

I am enraged- I feel enraged when I am hurt and feel trapped in a corner with nowhere to go.

I am alone- Does others also feel alone?

My long list of secrets continues but reading these secrets to myself makes me feel more open, more vulnerable, more alive than before. Slowly but surely, I can start to take off the masks that covered me. Slowly but surely, family and friends understand how I feel. People start sharing their feelings as similar to my feelings. I start to realize that I am not so different than others. Normal people in everyday life also experience these emotions and hides them. I am just normal, I am just human! I can show these flaws as part of me, making me who I am. So, I take a deep breath in and let it all of this out with a big sigh of relief.

Today, I challenge you to become more human, to become more vulnerable, to become truer to who you are. Share with me or others your deepest secrets. Don’t be part of the fake social media life where everything is perfect, let’s be part of a real life full of all the emotions life can offer us. Life will offer me and you a great reward, called freedom!


One comment:

  1. Rehila

    May 7, 2019 at 8:58 pm

    This los beautiful thank you for sharing x😝



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