I Am Me

March 15, 2019

Walking through a tough patch in life makes one often look at it from a different perspective, or so I hope. The dark night of the soul, a dark path, difficult decisions, heartache, death, sadness and fighting all are parts of life to make us pause, ponder, perhaps even wait there for a while but I suppose it comes to makes one stronger in life. I have decided to use these dark moments to take stock of my life.

I must take time to dissect my life and see what does not serve me anymore. In this current dark situation, where am I allowing others to rule my life, am I believing old belief systems that don’t suit me anymore? I have been bombarded my whole life with all these must do’s, should do’s, suppose to do’s, can’t do that’s and the list continues. We must take a break from our own lives and look from the outside in. Am I Me or am I just a copy of what others wants me to be for them?

It is hard, I know, facing myself in a mirror, seeing a reflection of someone I created but never knew I did. This person facing me in the mirror has all the qualities I said I never would allow in my life. This person is exactly 100% opposite of what I wanted my life to be. Facing the reality is not always so sweet as this erupted a volcano of emotions, I never thought I had in me. These emotions reflected to me, showed me issues I never faced to handle. The little child in me had to protect herself, had to adjust, had to repress, had to adapt, had to numb, had to kill her own desires, dreams, personality and being in order to feel safe, protected, loved, accepted and loved. The most painful realization was that I allowed this, I was a child and never had the skills to handle this differently, but today I am an adult and I can choose to not be the little child anymore.

I am equipped now to handle these emotions, work through them and allow them to surface. I must face them if I ever want to be happy again. Having pain in your heart is very painful, numbing it or suppressing it, makes it hurt even more. I had to take responsibility for my own life. I can continue to blame others, my family, my kids, my society, my friends but the only truth is, I am the one that allowed this person called me to be created. Yes, I was blinded by so many things. Blinded by family dimensions, hurtful sayings, painful fights, angry words said, silent expectations, bitterness, jealousy, abuse, allowing these to cut me open. I was bare, open, broken and alone. But this dark night of my soul allowed me to live again. It allowed me to make me my priority. I always had put others first in my life, but now I needed to put myself first. It allowed me to slowly open and face life again. It gave me the freedom to just be me again for the first time, not even knowing what “me” meant.

Remember this dark night can be a very, very long road or it can be a short road but take the time to let this dark night opens all there is, all that were hidden. Be truthful with yourself, do not continue to keep lying, I had to face myself. Whatever I saw, I did not like it, but I had to face it. I was dead anyways, inside me a was dead heart, nothing was left that even looked familiar to me. Being in a dark place is damn scary, feeling alone like you are dying is unexplainable to others that have never experienced it before. It breaks you into small pieces bit by bit and one day you realize you are sitting with the pieces in your hand, and there is nothing left of yourself, nothing!

The amazing thing is when walking through this it is impossible to see the light. Why? Covered with a blindfold, only seeing the negative about me, hearing it, feeling it, breaking apart, but know this, as I faced this, day by day, I was able to see clearer for the first time. My eyes started to slowly but surely see clearer and clearer, the cover over my eyes were slowly taken away, bit by bit. I could suddenly see these things that weighed me down, I could see the beliefs, the emotions, the thoughts, the actions that were killing me slowly. When I could see that, everything just broke inside of me. I had to allow this process to take its full toll, panic attacks, crying, anger, depression, denial all surfaced during this time. I had to allow all these to engulf me, because only as I accepted these could I slowly start to see truth again. A small crack caused a whole building to collapse and it was painful. But the pain to continue living this way was bigger than the pain to stay the same. I wanted it to end. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted to enjoy life again. I wanted to be happy again. Being alone in these times are precious as only I can help myself, only I can be there fully for myself, only I can understand my pain and sorrows. I can give myself the love I never knew before but always wanted. Only I could give myself the acceptance I never could get from others, only I could give myself hope when another saw me as hopeless. Only I could see myself as good enough when I will never be good enough for others.

The answer came from within me, the freedom came from within me, the change happened within me, the healing came from within. I had to accept myself for the ugly person I saw in the mirror, with all my baggage, emotions, issues and fears. I first had to accept me, just as ugly as I saw myself, as guilty as I felt, as depressed as I were, as broken as I felt and as hopeless as I felt, I had to accept all that I created. The moment you face the truth, you are set free. I feared to see myself, I feared me. Believing the lies told to me, I was not worthy, I was supposed to be feared. I could never face me, face myself ever! I am a disgrace, disgusting, broken, not enough, pathetic, ugly and the list continues.

The moment I faced me, the fear was broken, the walls were smashed, and the truth of light entered me. I overcome my greatest fear, me! The shackles then just kept falling off, one by one, day by day! I could clearly see the situations where I believed the lies, the deceit, the beliefs, the thoughts, the fears and the people when they told me I am not good enough, loveable enough etc. It was like a shadow, scaring me dressed as a real person. All these years I believed the shadow lie and so I just became a shadow. Luckily these shadows are just it, shadows scaring me and when the light is on them, they disappear.

Yes, I did have a few friends that stood by me during this dark time, forever grateful, but I really was all alone, facing me alone. It still is taking a lot of emotional work, day by day to walk into the light of me, but every day is a step forward, a step closer to just me. I encourage you to not give up, no matter how dark the night may feel, no matter how scared you are, no matter how dead you feel, it is not easy, it is not nice, it is damn painful. Reach in, search within, be brave, be bold, since you already feel dead there is nothing to lose, but everything to gain.  I know that if I could face myself, I know you can too. I am me. That is enough!


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