The following is an excerpt from my book, Rising from the Cinders.
When we start to care for and love ourselves, our vibration begins to rise to levels that bring us deeper into wanting to find our true happiness.
My awakening happened five years before my father was diagnosed with cancer, but fully bloomed after my father’s diagnosis. This occurred when I realized that I had gifts that I’d never explored. I knew things that I couldn’t possibly know, and I had dreams that would eventually come true. The pieces of my life wanting to be healed stood out prominently as I learned a healing technique to help my dad in his struggle with cancer. I never imagined I would unearth the entire root system of my life and start healing one piece at a time, alongside him. I thought my father was the only one that needed healing, but it soon became apparent that to help him, I needed to continue to work through my own confining thoughts and emotions. The belief systems I adopted long ago were crying out to be healed, but it was a very slow process that would take eleven years to do. God allowed a kaleidoscope of talented healers and modalities to cross my path to make this happen. Everyone in my life has played a part, from the youngest to the oldest, helping me to understand the lessons that brought me here in the first place.
I realized that healing the destructive patterns I had adopted could only take place if I consciously chose to seek out the answers and trace each one back to its origin. This was a slow process, but one I was willing to embark on if it meant I was a clearer channel to help others. A feeling of helplessness consumed me knowing that, for my father, no amount of money, nothing I possessed, and no one I could ask, could help my father let go of anything toxic he held onto. I would have walked to the ends of the earth atop hot coals in search of a cure or given my right arm to know he wasn’t in pain anymore. I wanted to save my father more than anything.
I felt utterly helpless to aid this man with whom I so desperately wanted a closer relationship. I hit rock bottom, and, in that vulnerable moment of feeling numb and helpless, I knew the only choice that made sense was relinquishing control to an intangible divine presence that had been guiding me my entire life. The same higher power that brought me here was the only one that could help the situation my family was in. God was asking me to clear myself out to be more available for my father. I was always a spiritual person and attended church; however, I needed to make a difference for my father and this was new to me.
My family was Catholic, and I had been baptized and attended Sunday school. My children had gone through the same rituals as I had, as had my relatives before them. I believed in God, but I felt at that time that He hadn’t really helped me much in my life. I was carrying a lot of emotional baggage for a very long time, and I wanted to be free. What did I have to do to get Him to listen to me now? Little did I know He was standing right next to me the whole time, carrying me and my family most of the way, handing me the tools I needed. He would lead me to the people and places that could unlock all the chains I had been dragging around behind me, but the choice would ultimately be mine to let them go. He would only point me in the direction while lending me his love and grace. The pain was prodding me to look deeper and ask questions. He wasn’t punishing me as I had thought. The healing on many levels had, for both of us, already been set in motion at the time my father was diagnosed with cancer.